Question: Is a blog still a blog if you don’t post at regular intervals?
Answer: IT SURE IS.
Hello, and welcome back to my irregularly-scheduled reflections about my time in Korea as a Fulbright ETA. 오랜만이요! (O-laen-man-i-yo - That means it’s been a while).
In the time since my last post, I finished out my first semester in Korea. I went back to America for the allotted 14 days, traveled to Mexico, came back to Korea, visited Australia with friends from the Fulbright cohort, went to Australian Open, came back to Korea again, and lived in Seoul for a month to check things off of my bucket list. It’s been an exciting, and much-needed, break.
Now, the new year at school has just begun. My old 3rd graders (the equivalent of seniors in high school) graduated, and our school got a whole new grade of students. Some teachers left, and everyone changed desk positions (Except me. They knew I loved being in the nurse’s office). There have been many changes.
As the new semester begins, I can’t help but think about how different it feels to start school this time around.
When I arrived to Seocheon and to my new host family, I knew so little Korean that I couldn’t even put a sentence together. And that was after 5 weeks of language classes! I communicated exclusively through translation apps and was continually worried about making the right impression or spending enough time, but not too much time so as to be a burden, with my host family. It was a constant feeling of inadequacy and being a hinderance to this sweet family who did nothing but try to include me.
At school, the extent of things that I did not know is endless. I didn’t know how to be a teacher, for starters. I also didn’t know schedules, names, normalcies, routines, or honestly anything. I knew nothing. I walked in totally blind, screwed up constantly, and felt pretty unsatisfied overall.
To be honest, I think all of this change, adjustment, and general lack of control over things in my life took a toll on me. I have never felt more anxious or sad on such a consistent basis in my life. I experienced anxiety every time I left the house. I woke up in the morning wanting to just get through the day. I was basically just going through the motions in my last two months, praying that winter break would come quickly.
Looking back, I truly think that I was a little depressed last semester. Maybe you, the reader, are thinking, “Duh, Claire. That sounds like depression to me.” And you’re right. But before last semester, anxiety was only something that I felt the night before a big test and depression was a completely unknown feeling for me. Even if I had recognized the feeling, there wasn’t much I could do about it, so I honestly just repressed the hell out of it and waited for winter break.
But fear not, lovely reader.
As I was eating dinner and watching soccer with my host family on Monday, I had this unfathomable feeling of waking up. It’s like I finally realized how much better things were this time around. Although some people in my cohort were nervous about the start of the new school year, I only felt calm and reassured. After all, even with all the changes at school, I was so much more prepared this time. If I could make it through that, I could make it through anything at school.
Going from not being able to even make a sentence to having simple conversations with my host mom and fellow teachers in Korean felt like major progress and has made a huge difference in my day-to-day experience here. I can finally be myself instead of being all in my head about being the best “cultural ambassador” I can be, or whatever it is I was trying to do before.
I hope this feeling of capability and competence carries over to the rest of the semester. I’m learning new Korean every day, I’m getting better at teaching my students with every lesson, and I finally feel like I can really enjoy my time here despite the many challenges.
Here’s to the start of a new semester and acquisition of a new perspective.
留言